please cuddle me...

November 14, 2006

Today is a good day you know. God granted my request to have a salary in excess of 5500 php. It will have its uses you know. I am just in a sense worried about it. I will have no allocation for my review expenses. That is because I have to prepare money for this Christmas. It’s just a little pressuring on my part since I have to save a lot so that I could buy gifts. Hay naku talaga.

I need to work today. I can’t indulge on this bad habit you know. It is not appropriate. And the fact that I am not seen is not ethically correct you know. This is not right. I should not do this more often. You see, yesterday, I have done nothing but scribbled down in papers and plan for other stuff. I also exhausted my emotions on what I had felt with our relationship. Well, all of it is true. I considered it to be the utmost confession of my fears about us. As of now, I am still trying so hard to isolate myself from him. I want to do things one at a time. I felt that I am somehow succeeding in isolating myself from him.

I am indeed hoping that everything will be more successful for me. I have to isolate myself from him… it’s for my own good… and most importantly… for my own safety. I need to be as independent as possible. I can be dependent on other stuff… you know that well for a fact. But when it comes to him… that’s so difficult to say… that so difficult to judge… that’s so difficult to do… I can’t be dependent on him just as fast as that. That is exactly what I am doing right now… I am doing it slowly, yet surely. I want to make him feel that there is other stuff that is taking my time, effort and attention more. That he has to wait; that he is not the only one who can set relationship aside to focus more on other stuff. I have to prove to myself that I can still be alone and that I don’t need him all the time… that I can be happy though were are not seeing each other; or talking to each other.

I felt bad because I know that I am trying so hard to prove this without him even recognizing that there is something bad going on. Well, I have to start this busy stuff by myself; and I will need to continue this at least until next week by 11-23-06. I have to do a lot of stuff especially that the review session will start by 11-20. We have to meet by 11-24, in which I think that’s the time that I have to make him feel that I am so tired; and I need some pampering. In truth; I really have to be so tired because I need to sleep at night. Otherwise, I will be awake again, waiting for him for FIVE hours to make the first move! It’s so annoying yet I have to exercise caution in this since I have to prove to him and to myself that there is no attachment. That it is not so big deal.

I have to work for a while you know… they are not paying me to sit here and use their computer for nothing. Catch you later! J

Why am I sleepy so early at this time? You know what; I didn’t have a good sleep this morning. I woke up around 5 pm so sweaty and so not really in a pleasant state. He has no texts and he didn’t even call me. I know that he is also busy, well, and that’s exactly the right time to be busy for me too. In truth and in substance, my happy days are over. I will be facing the biggest challenge of my life… my CPA board exam. I really need to master the art of concentration. I really need to know how to do one stuff at a time. But, I am really so sleepy at this moment. What shall I do? I felt I was overworked last week and I felt that the customer may get mad at me as soon as I followed this up again… gosh! I need to achieve my target of 80%!!! Golly badoodle!

At last its 12:25… I can sleep in just a few minutes… I am so sleepy… I am so, so drastically with no energy… oh golly… i remember Fredi just now… just a quick memory… oh shocks… he is really good in … but after it, he was so disappointing… really. But he was so honest to me when he told me that, the feeling of it after that was he just wants to sleep! Sleep! I told him that now I understand it; it so good because he had made an effort to be honest with me and spill out the fact that it was the truth. That his strength was just so down after that; well I have to understand that. But, how can make him understand that as I hush down, I need his presence with me... I need him to cuddle with me… I want him beside me so that I can feel secure and safe… but how can I make that happen?

Well, I still have to work. It is still three hours before we can go home. We cannot have anymore overtimes that are not allowed and pre-approved by our team leads. Anyway, I have been working here for almost four months yet I haven’t got the chance to describe what I do here. I am a receivables analyst for American President Lines Logistics. It is one of Maersk’s competitors in Asia. I know I am somehow good in what i do. i know i can do well with the collections and I can easily do functions on stuff that are assigned to me. I know i could've done better and I can really succeed in mastery of the Collections. However, I am really now decided to pursue what my heart desire's... I am willing to pursue the choice which will affect bigger part of my future and that of the family that I was trying to build. I am keen enough to suffer for those that I love... and those that i will love in the future.

His Blurd Vision of Our Future...

November 13, 2006

I left my diary at home, so I will be using this for a while, instead. I don’t feel like working today. Sir Donald is not around so I will be fooling around… for today, I guess. This is what I love about my work; about Accenture. I can work whenever I wanted; and I won’t if I don’t. It wouldn’t matter much. They would not notice. I am not that pressure. I know this for a fact and I am exercising this privilege because I don’t want to sweat that much; I work at night so… I don’t want to be crazy, you see.

I am so scared. I know in my heart that I am falling for him deeper than I could ever think; Deeper than I approximated. They say that there is someone in the relationship that loves more… oh God! I wish it wasn’t me.

I know that all I need is some space… I need to separate myself from him for a while. I need to focus on more important matters. I’m not saying that he is not important. Or there is other stuff that is more important than my relationships. I am just saying that I have priorities now. And it will entail me to do it with more effort than before because; I would be hearing no assurance from him; from anybody. As you know, he is also eyeing for a goal. He is applying for the job at Maersk Crewing. He is going to really target the job abroad. And his manager has his back on the finality of the application. As I have said in my last entry, I have nothing against it. At least, unconsciously, I don’t. And the only reason that I can forcibly say and accept it is because in substance, I know that I am not in the position to say no. I know that it is for his own good and for his family too. I understand that too well. But, the thought that makes me really ache for pain is the fact that it is me who will sacrifice and get hurt the most… that will feel and absorb the worst pain among the entire people that is involved. And in spite of that, I will not have any assurance from him; that I will have nothing in return but a thank you and a big smile. I know that as of this moment, he does not owe me an assurance or explanation. That he’s not obligated to render me one. I know that for a fact. But it is painful knowing that, he does not even recognize that I will be shedding so much sacrifice on my part again. He has no idea how excruciating waiting is for me. That in time, I would have no credits for it.

In time, some people say, there will be changes in couples who had undergone relationships like this. That there will be, between the two, whose love, will soon fade. Faster. Sooner. Now this makes me think. Is it him? Or is this gonna be me? Is it fair for me to wait without a sure possible outcome to wait for? Or if I’m gonna wait, will everything be the same? Am I really going to wait for something? Or am I just dreaming that there is really something to wait for? Will there be? Do we have a future? Will there be a future waiting for us? I love him so much to lose him without taking the risk; but I just feel pity for myself knowing that it will cost me so much more, and that he will have no effort to match what I can offer for our relationship. I know I have to stand up and carry the pain of loneliness. How can I make myself strong and trusting without his promise that he will come back to me?

He gave me a CD… there is this song “Beautiful Days” by Kyla. This had lyrics… “I see beautiful days with you. I feel beautiful ways of loving you. You touched my heart so deeply and I can’t Thank God enough for all the beautiful days with you I feel beautiful ways of loving you. Every little thing is wonderful/ beautiful when I spend it with you.” I don’t know but this somehow gives me an illusion that this includes the future. That he sees a beautiful future for the two of us. You know what, I know I don’t have too much cards to play, but I know I have too much love that I can lay on the table. I love him so much; and I want to be a part of his future. I pray that he will give even just a little space on his future… on his dreams. I feel bad about him not giving me a thought that I was there in his vision, but that’s the truth. That’s the reality playing in front of my face.

Anyway, I was browsing through the AIM webpage. And upon studying this I realized that the only way that I could go through this school, which is I think the best of all the schools, is if I will be a CPA and employed by SGV. In this way, I can be accepted and considered in AIM for a full scholarship. Golly so much! I have to work so hard for that goal! So I really have to be a CPA then. Following this scheme, if by 20, I will earn my CPA title and be employed by SGV on the same year which is 2007, graduating on MBA school will be just four years away ( since I need two years further experience first before being eligible in MBA school but I will really try to enroll even on my first year.) That will be by 2011 or 2012!! Meaning I will only be 24 or 25!! Golly by golly!! I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE SCHEME THAT WORKS. Following the scheme for DLSU in case I will not be employed by SGV, I will be 27 or 26 the moment that I will get my MBA degree which is I don’t want to happen!!! I will be too old for that! I need to get an E-MBA at around 30 so, I have to fast track my time. I need to work three times as hard. I plan all of this so that I can focus on my family by thirties… I have to lay low on my work so that I can give a quality time for my husband… and may be...So that we can plan for babies… you heard it right… for babies. I want to give my husband two or three beautiful babies.

I have these goals on my mind for my personal fulfillment in priority. I will buy my parents the house and I will give them all the things that will make them so happy. I will give them the life they truly deserve. Actually, speaking of parents, my mom and I had an argument. This is with regards to the fact that I had not so much around the house. I have been so lazy lately that she is shouldering so much work. Am I being so much of a “pabigat?” Am I a liability and causing her so much pain and hurt? I felt so bad for her… I felt so bad and a shame of myself. I love her but, I felt that at her age, I am not capable of making her feel that. I am so bad. So ungrateful to her sacrifice. I don’t want to lose her. I had failed her several times… especially in her dream to go to the stage to my college graduation to give me my award. I don’t want to hurt her again. I want to make her feel that they are the best parents… and they sure are. We may have a lot of disagreements but they are indeed the best parents that a child could ever have. They love so true, and they are willing to do it, until they die. I love them so much; and I don’t want to lose them without making them feel how much I am willing to return everything to them.

I have tried so many efforts to please them; but I ended up pleasing others. To be honest, I had times wherein I know I had made utmost efforts to please Fredi than I had pleased them. I have never treated my mom outside but; instead I had given so much to myself and to Freddie. That is so unfair to her. I have to treat her outside talaga. Okay, I will treat her on Saturday; we will watch the movie of John Cena and we will eat outside. I will treat her and we will eat wherever she wants to eat. Fredi have a duty on that date so I will be at home anyhow. But I am not doing this because we don’t have a date. I am doing this because this is what I have promised to her. This is what I have told her. I want to take her out and have a decent treat. I hope the film is still showing. I hope I can still give her what I had previously promised. Golly… I am so, so a big disappointment to her.

hurtful roses and His undying love...

I know... I'm completely blessed. And it should be a reason for me to be always happy. these past few days had been rough. Extremely rough. i continuously blamed my environment because i was not happy and contented in my life. i even doubted my Honey's love for me. its true that i feel he's not taking an effort to show me how much he love me. especially when just three days ago, after an exhausting 10 hour straight review in CPAR, i saw this guy waiting for someone... and guess what, he had a bunch of fragrant and gorgeous roses in his hands...damn! it just pierced my heart. He was apparently waiting for his girlfriend...though its barely 10pm during that time...he perseveres to wait for her... uuuugghhh!!! it just hurt me a lot. i wanted to hate Fred... i wanted to tell him that if there could just be one moment...when nothing matters but us...but that's just impossible. i felt it was a wake-up call for me. i chose to love a guy, who is just not into romance... who has no idea how much i wanted to be carressed... and touched... and loved. yet, i couldnt stop loving him. i couldnt tell him that i wanted him to love me more than ever.

you know...he's the complete opposite of my Prince Charming... well not maybe 100%... but, it hurts to admit it, that he was just not it. eversince, i dreamt of that "Prince Charming" to be always there for me...that he will show me how beautiful the world is, with him... he'll give me flowers... we will go to many places... he will take me where i can be trully happy and loved... we will bathe under the rain...kiss under the stars... dance under the moonlight (he's)but Fred was not just it... he was just not the man that i built in my dreams. and what hurts me the most is the fact that he doesnt even tried.

but i still love him. yet im feeling insecure with those other girls that are apparently and visibly loved by their Prince's...i wish i could just be like them... i want to feel special... i want to be loved...

when i am with fred...it hurts to say this but...he's making me feel that, in his life, there will always be far more important than me. maybe his career, or his dreams or his family. i know that. and i accept that...but why cant he try to make an effort to hide it, even just for a little while? why cant he pretend, for just a short period of time that i am the most important thing for him?... kahit sandali lang... kahit minsan lang iparamdam nya na hindi nya kayang mabuhay ng wala ako...kahit kunyari lang...but kahit nga ata pagpapanggap hindi nya magagawa...

i know i should not get my hopes to high for him...alam ko naman yun... alam kong dapat ko pa ring protektahan ang sarili ko. i believe that it doesnt mean that, i loved so much that i wont protect myself from getting hurt.

God is so powerful that He's making sure that i still know how to controll myself. that in loving, i just have to be steadfast, and more trusting to him. I love God, and I should believe that there's a reason why my heart beats for a guy like Fred... i know Fred loves me too... and attached to the fact that I committed myself in loving him is the fact that i should accept him, no matter what. i know God is writing us the most beautiful lovestory that we could ever imagine... and all i have to do is to wait for my "happily ever after"...

giggles and tears...

i was actually holding him right in my hands...he was so cuddly...every giggle sent shiver in my spine...every laughter made me want him for more...i couldnt leave him but i have to...he was craving for a mother...and it just made my heart ache for him so much more...

i met these three little cherubic boys...albert, angel and angelo. they are 1 year, and 7 months old consecutively. angel and angelo are twins. and guess where i met them...in an orphanage in Delpan, Manila . i was one of the fortunate people that was invited to join in this charitable activity by MAERSK every month. well, fred invited me cause he knows about my frantic likeness for babies and kids. so i came with him, and my heart was just shattered by all the children that i saw. most of them was left abandoned by their parents, like angel and angelo. they were so adorable. i just couldnt put them down. there's also this another kid named james, and he's was so healthy...malikot and pilyo! he's even trying to stand up though he's just 8 months old! we called him" boxer"...we also gave names to other babies like, "zhang ziyi", "michelle yo", "henry sy", "pretty girl"...its because we cant identify them...they're too many. other kids were left in there by their parents for them to have proper medication because they're sick...like albert. he has Tuberculosis. yet he was so charming...he was so cuddly...his smile can brighten up your day...just like the the twins...theyre so gwapo...i just couldnt believe that their parents left them. maybe life was really tough. rather than seeing their kids hungry, minabuti na nilang iwan sa lugar na may siguradong kakainin ang mga ito.

as i look at those kids, i know theyre craving for affection. especially the three kids that i mentioned. i know my touch meant so much for them...i wonder, how many times kaya may kumarga sa mga batang ito besides sa mga child care volunteers doon? when i was there, i wasn't able to carry them all...some of them, my scabies and rashes...si kimberly, yung isang pretty baby, ang dami nyang scabies...si albert, rashes sa neck...sobrang naawa ako kasi he was crying because it's really itchy...he wanted to scratch it, yet for his own good he had mittens in his hands. actually, i felt a little scared when i found out that he has TB... i know kasi that my antibodies were not that strong...its contagious, and i can be infected just as fast as that...so i silently prayed for God's protection. my mom told me that when i was i child, i too, had a tuberculosis, and got german measles for three consecutive times...i nearly died. but i found it so hard to leave him...albert is so lovable... i saw the look in his face when i tried to put him back in his crib...his eyes were practically begging me to stay beside him...to carry him and just cuddle with him for a little more time...i was just so moved... this kids were hungry for time and affection. i kept wondering during our trip back to PB Com, where will they be, 10 years from now? what's gonna happen to them?...

i know, that day made me think about the harsh reality of life. and at the same time, of how blessed i am. i felt helpless somehow, because, i know that right in this moment, all i can offer them is my touch,prayer and time. one day, i will eventually become a mother...and this day made me vow that, ill be the best mother and wife that i can ever be.

Dear Father, my anguish was really heavy for me to carry. i feel bad about these kids...they dont deserve the harsh reality of this world...put them right in your loving and merciful hands...heal them...suffice all their needs...send more people to care for them...Father, they need you more than ever...please... i just couldnt help them...i love them and they deserve a family... bring them to a family where they can be raised and educated and most importantly, loved. Lord...please...they are innocent...dont forsake them...and from this moment....my faith will be yours as i put in my trust to you regarding their lives...May your will be done, Father...save them...

do I have a place in His future?...

there are only four things that can make me cry... first, if im laughing so hard that as if my eyeballs are pumping out of their sockets and i cant breathe. next is when im working so hard for something and i was not able to have it. then if i cant forgive a person no matter how hard i try. and lastly, which is the most painful for me...is when im losing someone in my life. now...give me a moment to glimpse on one of the most personal aspects of my life...my relationships.

i love to smell him...i still can remember his scent...sigh...no matter how sweaty he is...he still smells so good...now im thinking...what if i wont smell him ever again...what if i wont be able to touch him again...i just wonder...what would be the changes if i will no longer have him in my life?

just yesterday...i was with him the whole time...i was looking at him intently...accompanied by fear, i asked myself, what if this would be the last time that i can lay my hands on him? i dont know...but i was just so scared. i dont know...maybe its normal to be scared...because there is something to be scared about...i just hope i would have the strength to face it.

reminiscing the moments when we first met...i never imagined even with a little glint that we would end up together. he was really one of the most amazing guys that i know during that time...but surprisingly, i never admitted to anyone, even with my bestfriend that i had a big crush on him...well that was odd really because, as a person, i have a tendency to be very vocal on things that i like...especially with boys. but you know what, i was really fond of him... i like chatting with him...and surprisingly, i love looking at him...he was the apple of my eye...so when the time came that he told me that he was falling for me...i know in my heart, even without me admitting it before...i knew i had fallen for him quite a long time ago .

were 13 months already...and guess what... gonna be turning 14 months just a little more days to go... i know it hurts when he's unintentionally making me feel that he's not yet sure about our future if there's any...but that's the truth anyway...we still dont know what's in store for us... but it really does hurt... a lot...

i know that there may be a big doubt in his heart. maybe about other matters or maybe about me. im not so sure...maybe its because that he's feeling that i might be having doubts too?... i dont have any doubts. what i have are questions...questions of what he thinks about our relationship...do i have a place in his future?

even at first, i placed our relationship in God's loving hands...i told him to give me ample reasons to continue our relationship during those moments that i felt we would both crumble...but i realized, even if our relationship will be gone, i would not be able to stop loving him. the moment that i committed to the fact that i love him...i also attached the truth that i'll continue to love him no matter what...even if there will come a time that he might turn his back to me...

my only fault is...i loved him so hard that i lied to him...it was wrong...undoubtedly hurtful...but i just thought that it was the rightest thing for that moment...i know its still a lie...and now im paying for it...but really, the scariest thing is i dont know how much it might cost me...

i just hope that i will be able to tell him soon...i just know that the truth will eventually come out no matter what, but really...im just scared...im just so so scared that he might turn his back to me... that it might be very easy for him to leave me...but the scariest of all is, that i might not be able to force myself to stop loving and waiting for Him inspite of the fact that his life will be the same even without me...

leaving it to His pierced and loving hands...

i'll take an effort to share to you the very important lessons that ive learned today. perhaps, ill always struggle to put these in my life, but really...alam kong may reason why God made me absorb these lessons deeper than before... as in, masaya ko dahil sa dami ng tanong ko sa buhay ko ngayon...binigyan nya ako ng mga MALALAKAS na sagot...

so here it goes... as a part of my daily routine of nourishing my soul...im accustomed on reading any devotional book that i can lay my hands on. usually, i pick "Our Daily Bread"... then kanina... im so frustrated since i feel i have been unuseful for the past few weeks. i graduated already yet, i still ask money from my mom, and i still dont help my sister pay the bills. im a bum, and i feel so guilty.

kesa ilabas ko ang inis ko at anxiety sa ibang bagay by pagdadabog or pagsisira...i just grab my Our Daily Bread and just read...as i vividly absorb God's Word...and as i pour out all my anxieties and guilt to Him...this is what he answered me...

"Unlike David, we often want to silence our critics, insist on fairness and defend ourselves. But as we grow in our awareness of God's protective love, we become less concerned with what others may say about us and more willing to entrust ourselves to our Father.

its good to look beyond those who oppose us and look to the One who loves us with infinite love. it is good to be able to believe that whatever God permits is for our ultimate good - good though we're exposed to curses of Shimei (Samuel 16:5-14); good, though our hearts break and we shed tears.

You are in God's hands, no matter what others are saying about you. He has seen your distress, and in time, He'll repay you for all the curses you have received. so trust him and abide by His love.

What's done in the silent place with God is what matters. it's in the quiet hours of fellowship with God that we are shaped and molded into men and women that He can use - people that He can be well pleased.

you might be thinking that, you may be in the place where you can't be useful. you may feel limited and frustrated by the cramping restrictions of age, an illness, a difficult child, an uncooperative spouse. but your place, whatever it is, is a place to grow. spend time in God's word and in prayer. Grow and bloom where you are, and your Father will be pleased to you."

it was a wake up call for me. i realized, masyado ata akong nagmamadali. that im failing to appreciate God's timing for my life... binigyan nya ko ng mahaba-habang bakasyon kaya...i should be thankful. God is working in my life right now...i can feel that. his presence is always with me. what i should pray for more is the gift that i might look for more brightful evidences of how He is trully carving my future...