I know... I'm completely blessed. And it should be a reason for me to be always happy. these past few days had been rough. Extremely rough. i continuously blamed my environment because i was not happy and contented in my life. i even doubted my Honey's love for me. its true that i feel he's not taking an effort to show me how much he love me. especially when just three days ago, after an exhausting 10 hour straight review in CPAR, i saw this guy waiting for someone... and guess what, he had a bunch of fragrant and gorgeous roses in his hands...damn! it just pierced my heart. He was apparently waiting for his girlfriend...though its barely 10pm during that time...he perseveres to wait for her... uuuugghhh!!! it just hurt me a lot. i wanted to hate Fred... i wanted to tell him that if there could just be one moment...when nothing matters but us...but that's just impossible. i felt it was a wake-up call for me. i chose to love a guy, who is just not into romance... who has no idea how much i wanted to be carressed... and touched... and loved. yet, i couldnt stop loving him. i couldnt tell him that i wanted him to love me more than ever.
you know...he's the complete opposite of my Prince Charming... well not maybe 100%... but, it hurts to admit it, that he was just not it. eversince, i dreamt of that "Prince Charming" to be always there for me...that he will show me how beautiful the world is, with him... he'll give me flowers... we will go to many places... he will take me where i can be trully happy and loved... we will bathe under the rain...kiss under the stars... dance under the moonlight (he's)but Fred was not just it... he was just not the man that i built in my dreams. and what hurts me the most is the fact that he doesnt even tried.
but i still love him. yet im feeling insecure with those other girls that are apparently and visibly loved by their Prince's...i wish i could just be like them... i want to feel special... i want to be loved...
when i am with fred...it hurts to say this but...he's making me feel that, in his life, there will always be far more important than me. maybe his career, or his dreams or his family. i know that. and i accept that...but why cant he try to make an effort to hide it, even just for a little while? why cant he pretend, for just a short period of time that i am the most important thing for him?... kahit sandali lang... kahit minsan lang iparamdam nya na hindi nya kayang mabuhay ng wala ako...kahit kunyari lang...but kahit nga ata pagpapanggap hindi nya magagawa...
i know i should not get my hopes to high for him...alam ko naman yun... alam kong dapat ko pa ring protektahan ang sarili ko. i believe that it doesnt mean that, i loved so much that i wont protect myself from getting hurt.
God is so powerful that He's making sure that i still know how to controll myself. that in loving, i just have to be steadfast, and more trusting to him. I love God, and I should believe that there's a reason why my heart beats for a guy like Fred... i know Fred loves me too... and attached to the fact that I committed myself in loving him is the fact that i should accept him, no matter what. i know God is writing us the most beautiful lovestory that we could ever imagine... and all i have to do is to wait for my "happily ever after"...
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