Under-Achievement (28 July 2011)

I know, I know. This isn’t exactly a bad day. I'm a bit bored. No enough money to treat myself some shopping, but yeah, I don’t actually care.

This is my picture of the day. I'll try to include a picture in my everyday manifesto. 

Today is a very cloudy day. Just like my thoughts... just like my life.

My Boss is back from almost a two month long vacation in the United States. I guess, my happy days are now over. I’m a bit disappointed with myself, knowing that I could’ve made tons of stuff to follow up and do while he was not around. I guess this abnormality stops today.

Complacency builds familiarity. As I get to be comfortable with my workplace (though I’ve been here like more than a year now), I feel that I can tolerate underachieving as day passes by. Sometimes I go home knowing that I never did finished anything; nor accomplished any bit of task that’s related in my work. I remember, sa Accenture, I used to be complacent, pero hindi naman ganito kalala.

Now I am drowning under Underachievement and tolerance.

I guess, you could say this is why I plunge myself in too much commitments. I really don’t want to accept that na napag-iiwan ako. Na hindi ako nag-iimprove sa kung anong meron ako ngayon. Ang hirap lang kasi, naiisip ko, bakit pinababayaan ko ang sarili ko sa situation na ito. 

"But i can't leave my family now", I told myself everynow and then. I just cant leave them while theyre still enjoying my help and support. Kaso, until kelan ito?

I guess... Im still hoping for the best.

Today, my life might be cloudy. Vague and gray. As people exchange stories of their travel and adventure, here i am still contemplating on my dreams of living abroad and starting a very simple and comfortable life.

Ako kasi yung klase ng tao na, i have to assure myself that i am doing something to achieve that dream. That as everyday passes, I am but, one step closer to that dream. Hindi pedeng wala akong ginagawa.

Yun na lang ang konswelo ko sa sarili ko. Na alam kong the Toastmaster, Masteral and French class will be my added tickets in my dream life outside the Philippines.

Hay naku... I dont want to admit it, pero yes, I feel so jealous of Fred. I feel so jealous that his decisions matter and are more beneficial in the long run, rather than my practical actions/ decisions. Especially sa trabaho. i chose a high earning, non-promoting job. Not much opportunities for growth. Samantalang si Fred, he's now in Ireland. 

I hate myself for getting stuck. I hate myself for delving in wrong decisions.

I hate that I feel I am not doing well. I hate that I am not at my best. That I am not the "dream self" that I pictured in my mind years, and years ago.

I hate a cloudy day. Cloudy thoughts. And cloudy life.