Commitments (29 July 2011)

"...stop it now!

I say, stop it now! It’s tiring. Exhausting. It’s not fun anymore."

Guess who that is? That's my inner self! Smacking me right in my head, telling me to stop accepting stuff, and learn to say NO the next time. 

Oh mighty God!! Please take my itch of taking all the responsibilities that can be given to others... please help me learn to say NO!! < and please help me tell it to their faces too!>

I used to love commitments. I love it, cause I love the feeling of having a jam-packed organizer... having a full schedule from as early as 6am to 1:00 am the next day. Oh, i love the feeling of getting my butt out and being busy all the time... being "needed" most of the time!

I used to love it all. Busyness, crankiness, bossiness, pressure and organization. But now that I feel so out of balanced, unfocused and fuzzy cause of too much commitment, I feel that I’m about to give up, any second. I didn’t know actually when it did start happening... the feeling that my insides are killing me because I kept on missing deadlines, unsatisfied with my results, and having a very “at the drop of a hat” kinda life. 

Like everything is either last minute or substandard.

The last time I drenched myself in this kind of mess was when my heart was broken.

But I don’t see anything broken in me now, except, i guess,  my sense of balance and inner peace. It’s weird that I just let this happen to me for the past few years. Three or four… Geez, I don’t really know. All I know is that, my hands are so full; and I’m losing my sanity, each and every day. <not much really... but a "little", every passing day>

Pero, hindi ko naman kaya bitiwan ang very thing na nakakapagpa-exhaust sakin! Seriously, I really can’t give up Toastmasters. Not now. Not ever. This organization (club) had really given me a lot. Relationships, satisfaction, reputation and endless opportunities.

I guess, what im saying here is, Im so tired of waking up “tired” all the time.

Do I really need to go away to do some soul searching? Hehehe I kinda feel im losing my soul a bit at times… it’s so much worse than those days when I’ve stuffed myself with so much food and looked at the scale afterwards… believe me, it’s Mardi Gras compare to the emptiness Im feeling when I get too much commitments and never make them at the end of the day.

I feel like I fail every time. I fail me. I fail them. When did failing ever became my routine?

Oh God, yes, I got to go and search for something… Peace and balance, perhaps?

I'm gonna go do some boating and feed the swans just like Noah Calhoun (The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks)