do I have a place in His future?...

there are only four things that can make me cry... first, if im laughing so hard that as if my eyeballs are pumping out of their sockets and i cant breathe. next is when im working so hard for something and i was not able to have it. then if i cant forgive a person no matter how hard i try. and lastly, which is the most painful for me...is when im losing someone in my life. now...give me a moment to glimpse on one of the most personal aspects of my life...my relationships.

i love to smell him...i still can remember his scent...sigh...no matter how sweaty he is...he still smells so good...now im thinking...what if i wont smell him ever again...what if i wont be able to touch him again...i just wonder...what would be the changes if i will no longer have him in my life?

just yesterday...i was with him the whole time...i was looking at him intently...accompanied by fear, i asked myself, what if this would be the last time that i can lay my hands on him? i dont know...but i was just so scared. i dont know...maybe its normal to be scared...because there is something to be scared about...i just hope i would have the strength to face it.

reminiscing the moments when we first met...i never imagined even with a little glint that we would end up together. he was really one of the most amazing guys that i know during that time...but surprisingly, i never admitted to anyone, even with my bestfriend that i had a big crush on him...well that was odd really because, as a person, i have a tendency to be very vocal on things that i like...especially with boys. but you know what, i was really fond of him... i like chatting with him...and surprisingly, i love looking at him...he was the apple of my eye...so when the time came that he told me that he was falling for me...i know in my heart, even without me admitting it before...i knew i had fallen for him quite a long time ago .

were 13 months already...and guess what... gonna be turning 14 months just a little more days to go... i know it hurts when he's unintentionally making me feel that he's not yet sure about our future if there's any...but that's the truth anyway...we still dont know what's in store for us... but it really does hurt... a lot...

i know that there may be a big doubt in his heart. maybe about other matters or maybe about me. im not so sure...maybe its because that he's feeling that i might be having doubts too?... i dont have any doubts. what i have are questions...questions of what he thinks about our relationship...do i have a place in his future?

even at first, i placed our relationship in God's loving hands...i told him to give me ample reasons to continue our relationship during those moments that i felt we would both crumble...but i realized, even if our relationship will be gone, i would not be able to stop loving him. the moment that i committed to the fact that i love him...i also attached the truth that i'll continue to love him no matter what...even if there will come a time that he might turn his back to me...

my only fault is...i loved him so hard that i lied to him...it was wrong...undoubtedly hurtful...but i just thought that it was the rightest thing for that moment...i know its still a lie...and now im paying for it...but really, the scariest thing is i dont know how much it might cost me...

i just hope that i will be able to tell him soon...i just know that the truth will eventually come out no matter what, but really...im just scared...im just so so scared that he might turn his back to me... that it might be very easy for him to leave me...but the scariest of all is, that i might not be able to force myself to stop loving and waiting for Him inspite of the fact that his life will be the same even without me...

leaving it to His pierced and loving hands...

i'll take an effort to share to you the very important lessons that ive learned today. perhaps, ill always struggle to put these in my life, but really...alam kong may reason why God made me absorb these lessons deeper than before... as in, masaya ko dahil sa dami ng tanong ko sa buhay ko ngayon...binigyan nya ako ng mga MALALAKAS na sagot...

so here it goes... as a part of my daily routine of nourishing my soul...im accustomed on reading any devotional book that i can lay my hands on. usually, i pick "Our Daily Bread"... then kanina... im so frustrated since i feel i have been unuseful for the past few weeks. i graduated already yet, i still ask money from my mom, and i still dont help my sister pay the bills. im a bum, and i feel so guilty.

kesa ilabas ko ang inis ko at anxiety sa ibang bagay by pagdadabog or pagsisira...i just grab my Our Daily Bread and just read...as i vividly absorb God's Word...and as i pour out all my anxieties and guilt to Him...this is what he answered me...

"Unlike David, we often want to silence our critics, insist on fairness and defend ourselves. But as we grow in our awareness of God's protective love, we become less concerned with what others may say about us and more willing to entrust ourselves to our Father.

its good to look beyond those who oppose us and look to the One who loves us with infinite love. it is good to be able to believe that whatever God permits is for our ultimate good - good though we're exposed to curses of Shimei (Samuel 16:5-14); good, though our hearts break and we shed tears.

You are in God's hands, no matter what others are saying about you. He has seen your distress, and in time, He'll repay you for all the curses you have received. so trust him and abide by His love.

What's done in the silent place with God is what matters. it's in the quiet hours of fellowship with God that we are shaped and molded into men and women that He can use - people that He can be well pleased.

you might be thinking that, you may be in the place where you can't be useful. you may feel limited and frustrated by the cramping restrictions of age, an illness, a difficult child, an uncooperative spouse. but your place, whatever it is, is a place to grow. spend time in God's word and in prayer. Grow and bloom where you are, and your Father will be pleased to you."

it was a wake up call for me. i realized, masyado ata akong nagmamadali. that im failing to appreciate God's timing for my life... binigyan nya ko ng mahaba-habang bakasyon kaya...i should be thankful. God is working in my life right now...i can feel that. his presence is always with me. what i should pray for more is the gift that i might look for more brightful evidences of how He is trully carving my future...