An excerpt from my Journal on Fred's proposal...
Honestly, my faith on Marriage was slowly faltering. There were doubts, but on the contrary, I didn't lost hope. I know that regardless of the situation, my poor heart wont just say "No". My heart is meant to love him. My heart is meant to wait.
After more than 6 years of being together, there were points in our relationship where I felt his uncertainty about us. Actually, we didn't start like most couples do. No sweet courtship and frequent romantic "first dates". We started with... wait.. let me put it this way... WE STARTED OUR RELATIONSHIP BY WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO START A RELATIONSHIP.We started "formally dating" after a 5-6 grueling months of ambiguity. I kinda had a hint that my "Yes, tayo na!" answer was not in the most appropriate timing. All I remember is that, yes, he sounded happy. But he just let me wait and guess for the first 5-6 months.
Another moment: I remember one particular text of him wherein he expects me to let go of him once he found somebody new to love, but if ever destiny decides otherwise, we should give each another a chance. That particular moment was (and still is,) and awakening. It was 3 years ago, a midpoint in our relationship, and I still feel that kick whenever that message visits my memory. It was the sullen and toxic period of our relationship where changes are affecting us so bad and our system are not adjusting to it very well. I can say, in a more understandable term, that we were growing apart. I wont deny that I have suspicions then; that its highly possible that there's someone else involved. Mind you, Fred is not like that; and those words will not just come out of nowhere. Maybe he likes somebody new, but then again, may be there's none. Maybe he isn't in love with me anymore. Well, I remember saying to myself at that time, "Hey, you're not unfamiliar with rejection, aren't you? No worries, you'll get the hang of it, eventually. And it'll be like before when you were just starting out." Regardless, I have no intention of losing whatever it is that's left in me. Whether pride, self-respect or sanity, I really dont care at all. I just dont want to lose "everything" now. Not this time, not ever.
That is the day that I branded Fred to be the "unmarrying kind" of man. Not nearly a husband material.
For the past few years, our relationship marveled. I cant remember the point (which is why I kept on asking Fred) when he started to think about the future with me. Ever since that "Safety Cushion Scenario" (the term I coined for our "please-let-me-go-when-i-found-someone-new-but-lets-start-again-if it-doesn't-work-out" scenario), I know he has worked hard in restoring what I thought has been blemished and scarred. I know, ever since that bitter day, i haven't been comfortable with any discussions relating to marriage. I mean, in the back of my mind, I still have some major "trust" issues. I have always believed that he can always replace me, and that what we have has always been based on just mere comfort and familiarity; not love or loyalty. Yes, i love him; but i have been very critical over his commitment since then. Yeah, yeah..I know its unfair, and majority of our time together, I have poured so much energy on detaching myself to him. Due to fear, cowardice or pride, I dont know. All I know is that Fred did his best to restore our relationship. We were never this happy, until he started opening topics on travel, wedding, house and other conversations about the future. Fred had never been wonderful since. I felt that he had a transformation that I will never understand how it came about.
One thing is for sure, I removed that mark that I brand on his head. He is now... the man of my dreams.
The distance that we had when he went away to work in Ireland gave us the time and space that we need. I was able to miss him so hard; and we got a glimpse of how it is to live away from each other. I felt that he missed me. I felt his efforts to give me the life that we deserve. I felt his desire to build a future with me; and it really awakened my desire to work hard and be the woman that he'll be with for the rest of our lives. I fell in love deeper and deeper with the man that he become. I was waiting for him; and I know, he's bidding his time carefully.
He caught me off guard when he proposed to me at Sky Park, Marina Bay Sands while we were on a trip to Singapore. I didn't know that he'll propose after a very tiring day of roaming around and last-minute shopping. I was totally harassed because of being so tired and stressed; and at the same time very irritated because of his seemingly lack of concern on the situation. I mean, I dont understand his "excited" face all day. But, since he just came back from Ireland and very much excited about traveling, I didn't complain. I just want him to be very happy and I didn't want to send the "I-AM-A-KILL-JOY-PERSON" vibe. And then that's it... he proposed after when we reached the top of the tower...his words says about "a lifetime of travel and happiness with you.. Will you marry me?". He showed me the engagement ring (that he designed himself!).. one with a 24 small diamond stones and 1-heart and arrows diamond, in an infinity position. It was wonderful. I even offered the wrong hand, so we thought that we had to resize. Yet, the left ring finger is just enough.
Wonderful! Wonderful! The memory just brings so much giggles and smile in my face.
The best (and worst), I know, is yet to come.
Regardless, I am very much excited to face all these with him.
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