Occasional Pangs of "Jitters"

Freddie never made it back last August 31. Instead, his arrival was moved to October 26, 2011. Our South East Asia trip was not moved, though. Thus, I will be seeing him, soon. In 10 days, to be exact.

Time changes everything. At least, that’s what I always felt about it. Somehow, knowing that gives me some sort of relief. It gives me some sense of solace knowing that, one cannot be stagnant for long. There are intentional changes, mind you, but there are those that time alone cultivates and inherently impose.

I love to reminisce my past. Primarily because, I saw several tremendous transitions. Those moments in my life where I can see so many changes; so much improvement from where I once was. Moments of clarity and grief, victories, failure, heartaches and forgiveness. I can tell that I have changed a lot; grown; and became stronger. Time indeed is a gift. It is not something that is incidental. It changes us, no matter how hard we deny it.

Yes, I’ve changed. And one of the most unwanted changes that I’m facing now is this: I’m in love with him now, more than ever. And it scares me.

I’m sick of feeling that I’m scared of so many things right now. I hear many people call it “occasional jitters”; those moments when you feel you’re not good enough. I’m scared of failing the Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) Exams, failing the Toastmasters Presidency, not graduating in MPA, and not being the “dream woman” that my younger self envisioned me to be. I am scared that Fred’s growing farther from me, that he may not see me as part of his future… and that we may one day realize that our dreams are bigger than us… that we are better off without each other.

I am so scared to fail. I am so scared to fall down.

I would have loved to emphasize more of this stuff. I mean those innumerable pangs of scare that usually accompanies those single and alone women. But well, I have always been contriving with my conscience to avoid any form of self pity. All I want is to have some sort of medium to let my frustrations out. Frustrations fuel me at desperate times; but nowadays, I felt that they sort of eat me alive.

I have been browsing over the CFA-related materials that I bought. I set my mind and soul to take the Certified Accounting Technician (CAT) and Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) exam next year. CAT I think will be manageable, but CFA?  By golly! I am racking my brains out just trying to remember my previous lessons and review that may help me. I am panicking right now, honestly. I am trying to be optimistic here but… I’m scared that I might not live up with my own expectations again.  

Coal turns into diamonds because of extreme pressure and heat… Am I ready to become a diamond? Hahahaha! Well, all I know is that those certifications are my only ticket in working to Europe. One of my dreams is to live and work (practicing my profession) in Switzerland. In Zurich, to be exact. I just want to take a shot next year, and review for the CFA Exam. I want to do something that will benefit my future.

No more segues now, no more excuses.