please cuddle me...

November 14, 2006

Today is a good day you know. God granted my request to have a salary in excess of 5500 php. It will have its uses you know. I am just in a sense worried about it. I will have no allocation for my review expenses. That is because I have to prepare money for this Christmas. It’s just a little pressuring on my part since I have to save a lot so that I could buy gifts. Hay naku talaga.

I need to work today. I can’t indulge on this bad habit you know. It is not appropriate. And the fact that I am not seen is not ethically correct you know. This is not right. I should not do this more often. You see, yesterday, I have done nothing but scribbled down in papers and plan for other stuff. I also exhausted my emotions on what I had felt with our relationship. Well, all of it is true. I considered it to be the utmost confession of my fears about us. As of now, I am still trying so hard to isolate myself from him. I want to do things one at a time. I felt that I am somehow succeeding in isolating myself from him.

I am indeed hoping that everything will be more successful for me. I have to isolate myself from him… it’s for my own good… and most importantly… for my own safety. I need to be as independent as possible. I can be dependent on other stuff… you know that well for a fact. But when it comes to him… that’s so difficult to say… that so difficult to judge… that’s so difficult to do… I can’t be dependent on him just as fast as that. That is exactly what I am doing right now… I am doing it slowly, yet surely. I want to make him feel that there is other stuff that is taking my time, effort and attention more. That he has to wait; that he is not the only one who can set relationship aside to focus more on other stuff. I have to prove to myself that I can still be alone and that I don’t need him all the time… that I can be happy though were are not seeing each other; or talking to each other.

I felt bad because I know that I am trying so hard to prove this without him even recognizing that there is something bad going on. Well, I have to start this busy stuff by myself; and I will need to continue this at least until next week by 11-23-06. I have to do a lot of stuff especially that the review session will start by 11-20. We have to meet by 11-24, in which I think that’s the time that I have to make him feel that I am so tired; and I need some pampering. In truth; I really have to be so tired because I need to sleep at night. Otherwise, I will be awake again, waiting for him for FIVE hours to make the first move! It’s so annoying yet I have to exercise caution in this since I have to prove to him and to myself that there is no attachment. That it is not so big deal.

I have to work for a while you know… they are not paying me to sit here and use their computer for nothing. Catch you later! J

Why am I sleepy so early at this time? You know what; I didn’t have a good sleep this morning. I woke up around 5 pm so sweaty and so not really in a pleasant state. He has no texts and he didn’t even call me. I know that he is also busy, well, and that’s exactly the right time to be busy for me too. In truth and in substance, my happy days are over. I will be facing the biggest challenge of my life… my CPA board exam. I really need to master the art of concentration. I really need to know how to do one stuff at a time. But, I am really so sleepy at this moment. What shall I do? I felt I was overworked last week and I felt that the customer may get mad at me as soon as I followed this up again… gosh! I need to achieve my target of 80%!!! Golly badoodle!

At last its 12:25… I can sleep in just a few minutes… I am so sleepy… I am so, so drastically with no energy… oh golly… i remember Fredi just now… just a quick memory… oh shocks… he is really good in … but after it, he was so disappointing… really. But he was so honest to me when he told me that, the feeling of it after that was he just wants to sleep! Sleep! I told him that now I understand it; it so good because he had made an effort to be honest with me and spill out the fact that it was the truth. That his strength was just so down after that; well I have to understand that. But, how can make him understand that as I hush down, I need his presence with me... I need him to cuddle with me… I want him beside me so that I can feel secure and safe… but how can I make that happen?

Well, I still have to work. It is still three hours before we can go home. We cannot have anymore overtimes that are not allowed and pre-approved by our team leads. Anyway, I have been working here for almost four months yet I haven’t got the chance to describe what I do here. I am a receivables analyst for American President Lines Logistics. It is one of Maersk’s competitors in Asia. I know I am somehow good in what i do. i know i can do well with the collections and I can easily do functions on stuff that are assigned to me. I know i could've done better and I can really succeed in mastery of the Collections. However, I am really now decided to pursue what my heart desire's... I am willing to pursue the choice which will affect bigger part of my future and that of the family that I was trying to build. I am keen enough to suffer for those that I love... and those that i will love in the future.

His Blurd Vision of Our Future...

November 13, 2006

I left my diary at home, so I will be using this for a while, instead. I don’t feel like working today. Sir Donald is not around so I will be fooling around… for today, I guess. This is what I love about my work; about Accenture. I can work whenever I wanted; and I won’t if I don’t. It wouldn’t matter much. They would not notice. I am not that pressure. I know this for a fact and I am exercising this privilege because I don’t want to sweat that much; I work at night so… I don’t want to be crazy, you see.

I am so scared. I know in my heart that I am falling for him deeper than I could ever think; Deeper than I approximated. They say that there is someone in the relationship that loves more… oh God! I wish it wasn’t me.

I know that all I need is some space… I need to separate myself from him for a while. I need to focus on more important matters. I’m not saying that he is not important. Or there is other stuff that is more important than my relationships. I am just saying that I have priorities now. And it will entail me to do it with more effort than before because; I would be hearing no assurance from him; from anybody. As you know, he is also eyeing for a goal. He is applying for the job at Maersk Crewing. He is going to really target the job abroad. And his manager has his back on the finality of the application. As I have said in my last entry, I have nothing against it. At least, unconsciously, I don’t. And the only reason that I can forcibly say and accept it is because in substance, I know that I am not in the position to say no. I know that it is for his own good and for his family too. I understand that too well. But, the thought that makes me really ache for pain is the fact that it is me who will sacrifice and get hurt the most… that will feel and absorb the worst pain among the entire people that is involved. And in spite of that, I will not have any assurance from him; that I will have nothing in return but a thank you and a big smile. I know that as of this moment, he does not owe me an assurance or explanation. That he’s not obligated to render me one. I know that for a fact. But it is painful knowing that, he does not even recognize that I will be shedding so much sacrifice on my part again. He has no idea how excruciating waiting is for me. That in time, I would have no credits for it.

In time, some people say, there will be changes in couples who had undergone relationships like this. That there will be, between the two, whose love, will soon fade. Faster. Sooner. Now this makes me think. Is it him? Or is this gonna be me? Is it fair for me to wait without a sure possible outcome to wait for? Or if I’m gonna wait, will everything be the same? Am I really going to wait for something? Or am I just dreaming that there is really something to wait for? Will there be? Do we have a future? Will there be a future waiting for us? I love him so much to lose him without taking the risk; but I just feel pity for myself knowing that it will cost me so much more, and that he will have no effort to match what I can offer for our relationship. I know I have to stand up and carry the pain of loneliness. How can I make myself strong and trusting without his promise that he will come back to me?

He gave me a CD… there is this song “Beautiful Days” by Kyla. This had lyrics… “I see beautiful days with you. I feel beautiful ways of loving you. You touched my heart so deeply and I can’t Thank God enough for all the beautiful days with you I feel beautiful ways of loving you. Every little thing is wonderful/ beautiful when I spend it with you.” I don’t know but this somehow gives me an illusion that this includes the future. That he sees a beautiful future for the two of us. You know what, I know I don’t have too much cards to play, but I know I have too much love that I can lay on the table. I love him so much; and I want to be a part of his future. I pray that he will give even just a little space on his future… on his dreams. I feel bad about him not giving me a thought that I was there in his vision, but that’s the truth. That’s the reality playing in front of my face.

Anyway, I was browsing through the AIM webpage. And upon studying this I realized that the only way that I could go through this school, which is I think the best of all the schools, is if I will be a CPA and employed by SGV. In this way, I can be accepted and considered in AIM for a full scholarship. Golly so much! I have to work so hard for that goal! So I really have to be a CPA then. Following this scheme, if by 20, I will earn my CPA title and be employed by SGV on the same year which is 2007, graduating on MBA school will be just four years away ( since I need two years further experience first before being eligible in MBA school but I will really try to enroll even on my first year.) That will be by 2011 or 2012!! Meaning I will only be 24 or 25!! Golly by golly!! I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE SCHEME THAT WORKS. Following the scheme for DLSU in case I will not be employed by SGV, I will be 27 or 26 the moment that I will get my MBA degree which is I don’t want to happen!!! I will be too old for that! I need to get an E-MBA at around 30 so, I have to fast track my time. I need to work three times as hard. I plan all of this so that I can focus on my family by thirties… I have to lay low on my work so that I can give a quality time for my husband… and may be...So that we can plan for babies… you heard it right… for babies. I want to give my husband two or three beautiful babies.

I have these goals on my mind for my personal fulfillment in priority. I will buy my parents the house and I will give them all the things that will make them so happy. I will give them the life they truly deserve. Actually, speaking of parents, my mom and I had an argument. This is with regards to the fact that I had not so much around the house. I have been so lazy lately that she is shouldering so much work. Am I being so much of a “pabigat?” Am I a liability and causing her so much pain and hurt? I felt so bad for her… I felt so bad and a shame of myself. I love her but, I felt that at her age, I am not capable of making her feel that. I am so bad. So ungrateful to her sacrifice. I don’t want to lose her. I had failed her several times… especially in her dream to go to the stage to my college graduation to give me my award. I don’t want to hurt her again. I want to make her feel that they are the best parents… and they sure are. We may have a lot of disagreements but they are indeed the best parents that a child could ever have. They love so true, and they are willing to do it, until they die. I love them so much; and I don’t want to lose them without making them feel how much I am willing to return everything to them.

I have tried so many efforts to please them; but I ended up pleasing others. To be honest, I had times wherein I know I had made utmost efforts to please Fredi than I had pleased them. I have never treated my mom outside but; instead I had given so much to myself and to Freddie. That is so unfair to her. I have to treat her outside talaga. Okay, I will treat her on Saturday; we will watch the movie of John Cena and we will eat outside. I will treat her and we will eat wherever she wants to eat. Fredi have a duty on that date so I will be at home anyhow. But I am not doing this because we don’t have a date. I am doing this because this is what I have promised to her. This is what I have told her. I want to take her out and have a decent treat. I hope the film is still showing. I hope I can still give her what I had previously promised. Golly… I am so, so a big disappointment to her.