Envious. Unsettling. (2 August 2011)

In 29 days, my boyfriend will be back from a four-month long working assignment from Ireland.

And he expects much has changed. Health, finances and our outlook.

Well, that's because, I promised him that. At least on the "health" part.

I am not at ease with him coming back. I am scared that he might see how much was unchanged; that the distance between us never really did me any good. Honestly, it did me a favor on one important area, at the least. My independence.

I know now that I can handle anything despite our distance. I have learned to tame the pain and that I learned to take care of myself, hone my interests, without any of his involvement.

I found a way to enjoy life afar from his presence.

I can be happy without him.

I don’t deny one bit, that I am now unsettled with his return. Yes, I longed for it, but now, I am quite unsure. I value the strength, dependence and serenity that I had earned when he left me. Perhaps, I had it in me from my past breakups; but I paid a price to gain it back.

 I am afraid to go back to the woman I was when he was with me… dependent, insecure and clingy. I don’t want to make plans with his consent or approval anymore. I don’t want to accomplish things to impress him; I don’t want to prove myself worthy of him, any longer. Yes, my heart thirsts for him… but I am proud that I can handle this freedom, just the way I wanted it to be. No more crying; and no showing of any weakness at all.

I’m just, what normal people call, “fine”.

I am unsettled that when he comes back, I expect more. More, yes, an “engagement” to be exact. I am not in the position to anticipate such, I know that. But at times, hearts are folly. They risk themselves of getting hurt. I know, Fred loves me. But to leave his youth and freedom for me is another issue. I know, this is not a part of any of his plans. He plans to succeed. With me being a part of that plan, hell, I’ll never know.

I am envious to the man that he might become when he comes back. He’s got more of me and experience now, perhaps. Stronger and more independent than before.

Now I wonder, is there any silent competition between lovers? Do we have to prove that one is worthy of the other all the time.

I hate questions. Open ended questions.

29 days. Changes can still surface. I can still clinch freedom until them.

On the 1^st of September, I guess, I have to brace myself. A new perspective begins. I will need my insanity and strength. Of course, it’ll be different.

It has never been the same with Fred.

Six years, low and behold, I still have to learn that.