I can spend everyday of my life in this quest. Kasi, in thinking like this, alam kong I am still improving and learning in every step of my life. I know that it’ll be interesting everyday. And full of great dreams and aspirations. The ultimate result of living this way is that, araw araw, alam kong it’ll be worth fighting and living for.
Sex in the City, is a reminder. That everyday, miracles and lessons happen. You just have to figure out how to filter each and classify an experience to retain and to forget. This show is all about reality; of how a woman can grow in time.
Yung movie, it’s about the wedding of Big and Carrie. Big, stood her up, forgetting that it is Carrie; and that marriage may spoil everything up. So far, in considering his point of view, everything between them is just perfect the way it is. This is Big’s 3rd marriage… what if he screws it up again? Why marry when they can stay perfect just the way it is? Sabi nga sa movie, they decided to get married because they’re afraid of what it may mean if they don’t. As for Carrie, she had been a single girl way too long already… and for 10 years, Big was the man that never went out in the picture of her good ‘ol love life. In that picture, she had always loved Big. There will be no other man that can be in his place right now... not Aidan; not Alexander. No matter how Paris can seem to deceive anyone up by telling you to stick to a gorgeous-looking Russian artist in France dahil nga the place is so romantic, in her mind, she doesn't belong there. Her heart is in New York… her refuge for 20 years… wonderful 20 years. Her life was beautiful. It was a very juicy life.
Upon watching nga this, na-encounter ko yung song na “Heart of the Matter” by India Arie. This song was about how a woman reminisce her past with a man, who left her because; he was no longer in love with her. Then meron pang part sa song na, she heard one of their true friend saying na, he found someone else. It was sad. Really sad. Yet, so strange it may seem… but it is very, very, familiar to me. See this part, patama talaga to pakshet eh… well patama 5 years ago sakin..
“An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phoneShe said you found someoneAnd I thought of all the bad luck,And all the struggles we went throughHow I lost me and you lost youWhat are these voices outside love's open doorthat Make us throw off our contentmentAnd beg for something more?”
Ito pa yung isa,, LOL talaga.. parang nagpaparinig.. ewan ko ba itong fate na to… what is this telling me? To remember the mess that I was once was? I was indeed a mess back then, I know that already…
“I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter but I know it’s about forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore”
Iniisip ko nga ngayon, my past was really interesting. Pero, I am so scared. My relationship with current BF was full of terror from within. Not because of Ex, but because of me. The hurt that I felt when Ex left me… I couldn’t even dare to remember. Until now, it still give me creeps whenever I try to reminisce the first two weeks after our break up.. Gustong gusto ko talaga sumigaw sa sakit non at magwala sa classroom, but I was still sane you know.. I had to save some of whatever it is that’s left in me… dignity? Hope? Pride? Whatever it is, I couldn’t fathom. What I just know is that, nung time na yun… I had to prove to the world, and especially to myself, that Life goes on.. no matter how shitty this may be sometimes. And that this may not be the last time that I might be dumped again…
That is exactly the point as to where I am at now… QUESTIONING WHETHER I”LL BE F*CKING DUMPED again… and will it be “si current BF”? Isang araw ba, iiwan nya rin ako? Fear ba ang dahilan kung bakit, in my own set of criteria of what a “100% love” is, 75% pa lang ang naibibigay ko sa kanya? Am I gonna go through all the chest–stabbing, stomach-punching and eye-stinging-due-to-endless-crying kinda pain again? Jeez… yes, that was victorious in the end, but believe me sister, if you have to convert the strength I exerted to endure the pain into a physical kind of energy, you may have to consider a strength of 20, 200-lb, lean-muscled men to top that! It was crazy! That was Ex pa nga lang, I am not bias, but honestly, at this level, I have loved “current BF” more than I loved “Ex”. Way more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, the levels were incomparable. It was way deeper than the past; the most realistic and the most intimate of all my relationships so far. Pano kaya kapag nawala s ya? <> But I have to be so strong. I have to be…this is a dead end choice; meaning, kung nasa school ka, ito ay compulsory.
Kaya ako, as a young woman who is so thirsty for everything, I am not yet thinking about marriage. Though, in my stupidest point in time during my relationship w/ current BF, I was considering the thought of it. Pero alam mo yon... I know that this may or may not work for me. I cannot be a young woman who will always barge my man with signs and parinig na kelangan na nya akong pakasalan. I was never a woman who demands more than what I can give. Alam kong marriage will be tough for me too, if not requires extreme transformation. That is why I will never, ever rush into this. Ever.
Once, I pictured my current BF proposing… the feeling was wonderful you know. But one thing attached to this silly daydream is that, you hope. I hope. Everyday in my silly, so-in-love life, I am hoping. But this thing is kinda automatic, so, at one point, mula sa paggising, kelangan ko ng sawayin ang sarili ko. Sawayin na, I cannot force people in what I want. And I cannot live dreaming everyday of my life. I should stop this. I just have to be strong. I just have to be. To be married or be single till 70… jeez… I’ve got to be ready.
